Favorite Singers

     Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. Since y'all have stubbornly refused to reveal how you found my blog, I will continue posting in my merry way. Today's subject: my favorite singers. I have two. Both of them happen to be relatively unknown unless you are really into this type of music (although what the genre is I'm not sure...singer-songwriter?), but if you are familiar with either of them, then indeed we are kindred spirits.

1. Patty Griffin

     I am only starting with Ms. Griffin because I have been listening to her music for longer. Now that I think about it, she has been one of my top musicians for seven years, since my stepmom introduced me to her music in second grade.
      Right off the bat, you should know that her music is sad. Gloomy, heartbreaking, hope-smashing-into-a-million-pieces kind of sad. I can only listen to her songs on certain days, or else they will plunge me into a deep dark hole from which I cannot return. However, when the time is right there is nothing like Patty Griffin.

Starter song: Every Little Bit

What it's about:
     Patty is basically smacking her loser boyfriend in the face, telling him that the whole time they were together he didn't know a thing about her. Very revenge-y, and less sad than a lot of her songs. It's from her first album, "Living with Ghosts", which I think is one of the most amazing albums ever.

1. Rufus Wainwright

     Rufus is a lot more famous than Patty Griffin, and I wouldn't be surprised to have a quite of people familiar with his music. His most mainstream song is probably his cover of "Hallelujah", which is quite popular. However, "Hallelujah" could not be less representative of his music. Being a Canadian-American gay man and a recovering drug addict, his songs are very often sweet to the ear but just the slightest bit angry, if you listen to the lyrics. A lot of his songs are a commentary on the experiences of homosexual people in the United States and Canada.

Starter song: Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

What it's about:
     It's about all the little addictions and vices in life, and how sweet they can be. I chose this song because...well, there is just no other song to start with. Of all the Rufus Wainwright songs, this one should come first. That's just the way it is.

   
So there you go, here are my favorite singers. I hope you enjoy them, and if you don't then go listen to dubstep or something. People seem to like that.

P.S. If you like Rufus, be sure to listen to his musical renditions of Shakespeare's sonnets--I have never heard anything more beautiful :)

To my International Readers

     Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. Today's post is less of a post than a question. Looking at my "stats", which let me know the demographics of people reading my blog, I have seen that I have many readers from countries other than the United States. Yes, it is kind of creepy that I know where my readers are from and how many times people from different countries have viewed my blog.
     Anyway, I know that with seven billion people in the world and a certain number of them with access to the internet (probably a rather small percentage, actually), the probability is that after some time someone will stumble across my blog by accident. However, this blog has only been up for two-ish months. Maybe more like one, I don't even remember anymore. It's interesting to me that I have so many "page views" from people who I don't know personally. So, here is my question to you, not just readers not living in the United States, but also anyone who reads my blog who I have not personally made the acquaintance of: How did you find my blog? What search led you to a blog called "Angry Tofu"? Please comment, I would be fascinated to know how you came across my little piece of the internet :)

Post-breakup ice cream

     Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. Unfortunately my computer is acting up, so I will be unable to post the fitful and angry post (in the true spirit of this blog) that I was planning on, because that post required a photo. Which the computer will not let  me upload. Never fear, however, because I'm sure if I smack the screen often enough that by tomorrow it will be back in working order.
     So today I will talk about the significance of post-breakup ice cream. See, ice cream is both good for the soul and deliciously yum-tastic, but its metaphorical meaning is just too amazing not to be explored! Ice cream is cold, so much so that the mere idea of biting into it can send shivers down your spine. That moment of shock when you bite into something cold represents those brief times of clarity, when you can grab ahold of the idea that maybe being single is a good idea, that it's a good time to do some soul-searching, that you were tired of your ex's obsession with Minecraft. Of course, just as the ice cream quickly dissolves on the tip of your tongue, all semblance of rational thought is usual replaced within seconds by a blubbering cloud of sadness.
     Ice cream is also a common date food, meaning that in all probability you ate ice cream with your ex at some point during your relationship. This means that you deliberately chose to eat a food despite the fact that it will cause you to delve into memories, the sweet everyday kind that hurt the most. Now even thinking about ice cream is making me sad. Dangit. Anyway, ice cream is clearly benefiting off of the sadistic pleasure that humans seem to take in emotionally torturing themselves.
     Therefore, ice cream is evil. And so are breakups.

Dumped

Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. I'm terribly sorry not to have posted for such a long time, I'm afraid my account was temporarily disabled due to misbehavior on my part (oops).
   Today I suffered some intense emotional turmoil, which caused an unnecessary amount of bawling and wailing, but I won't be hard on myself. Today I was dumped. Yes, I, the irrepressible Angry Tofu, was let loose into the cold and unfeeling world of Singledom. I have never mentioned it before, for the sake of privacy (but my soul has temporarily been sucked out of my being, taking with it any sense of reason), so I will inform you all now that I had a significant other. I had been in a relationship with this person for nine months and four days. And in my defense, there had been no signs of discontent on his part. He seemed perfectly happy, swimming along like a little salmon. Trust me, despite my young age I am quite familiar with breakup signs, my previous significant other managed to display ALL of them at one time.

1. Random displays of douche-iness
2. Randomly not calling you for, like, three days after he gets back from China *grr*
3. Threatening to knife you (yes, this happened)
4. Betting on you with his friends
5. Being a freaking jerk. Period. 

      If you notice any of these signs, ask yourself what the heck is going on. And why are you in this handbasket? Sorry, random reference to something and I'm not quite sure why I'm referencing it.
     The point is....well....what is the point of this? Oh, I know, I'm reaching out to the superficial support network of the internet to try and calm the cold, dark creature which has stirred in my stomach and wants to consume me with this new-found loss....
   Kay that was creepy. So, basically I just need a ton of ice cream in order to surmount this terror. And then I will be both very large and a stronger person.

The girl with the worst birthday

   Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. Today, September 11th, is my birthday. Yes, you read this correctly--I have the worst birthday of anyone in the United States. If you don't know why my birthday is the worst birthday ever, then I absolutely will not tell you because you are clearly an evil slug who lives under a box of cereal. Period.
   Oh wait, that's not true. You might be reading this from Russia (yes, I know about you Russian readers, thanks so much for visiting!), in which case it might not jump instantly to mind that today is the eleventh anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center, in which about 2,000 people lost their lives. Just thinking about the sheer number of people killed in a set of planned incidents on one day, suddenly and without time to ever say goodbye to the ones they love, is horrifying. I doubt our country will ever forget the shock and sadness of that day.
   So, as I'm sure you can see, it feels a bit sickening to be celebrating on the anniversary of one of the worst days in our country's history. Although I did come first. But as much as I would like to lay claim to this day and ignore all of the sadness which inevitably follows it, I know that I could not be okay with that sort of flippancy.
   Here I am, fifteen years old, and despite all the bad things that come with my birthday, I am still happy to be here. And I hope that I will be blogging to (at :P) all of you for many more years to come. Cheers!

                       
                                             Completely unrelated Totoro

The Value of Terrible Literature, TV, and Art

   Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. I have a message for all of you today. A very important message that I think is often neglected. The message is: it's okay to watch crappy TV. It's okay to read stupid books. It's okay to laugh at tragically awful art.
   People act like it's some horrible sin if you have a pile of trashy mystery novels in your living room. Um, no. I'm the one having fun. So take that, losers.
   Of course classic novels and all great works of literature are awesome. There's a reason people like them. But it's unfair to hate on the lesser ones. Maybe a book does have great sentence structure and beautiful, flowing prose, but I also may not feel like clawing my way through five-hundred pages of all of that. Maybe, just maybe, I would like a form of escapism that involves werewolves. Just for once.

   And here, on a slightly different note, are some horrifying first sentences of romance novels:

• "Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies."
• "Scarlet's hair was as red as my persistent canker sore
• "Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love."
• "His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion."
• "Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist."

    That was rather random, but I felt it was too amazing to be skipped. For the rest of them visit
http://www.mamohanraj.com/Amusing/romance.html

   So what can be said for bad books also applies to bad TV. There is a reason soap operas are popular. People don't always want depth--sometimes they just want ridiculous, captivating storylines. The following are some of my favorite (terrible) TV shows and movies:

Witchboard: Without a doubt the worst movie of all time

Charmed: I love this show so much. I can't tell you that it's really good quality stuff though. In fact, it's pretty bad. I honestly don't care!

The Amityville Horror: I don't even know if this movie poster is from the exact movie I saw but it doesn't matter because they all suck. Seriously.

   Okay, and now onto something slightly different: bad art. Bad art was created by God on the sixth day of creation, right after Adam. It was created as a source of unending humor to all humans. Strangely, art seems to be a flexible term, so a strange phenomenon known as "modern art" can often be interpreted as bad art, while its creators are vehemently against it being described in those terms.

For more examples of awful artwork, go to:
http://www.museumofbadart.org/

The Museum of Bad Art! Enjoy :)

Procrastination Station

   Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. Today, I am horrendously, awfully, quite uncomfortably sick. The whole thing would be a lot better if my nose would stop running. Alas, that does not seem to be about to happen any time soon. Since I am sick, and indisposed, and quite frankly running on energy that I currently do not possess, here is a link to a pretty song. And here are some pretty pictures. And inspirational quotes. In fact, here are all the tools you need to blow at least a solid twenty minutes. Enjoy :)

"Wishes are false. Hope is true. Hope makes its own magic."

-Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor (an incredible book I'll do a post on soon)

Donovan: "Are these human eyes?"
Sherlock: "Put those back!"
Donovan: "They were in the microwave!"
Sherlock: "It's an experiment!"
   -Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes in the BBC television series "Sherlock"

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain."

   -Bob Marley

 

“Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful.”

-The Little Prince

 

Green is the prime color of the world, and that from which its loveliness arises.
Pedro Calderon de la Barca

 

 A link to the Metropolitan Museum of art

http://www.metmuseum.org/collections/galleries/musical-instruments/680

And for those among us who would truly like to waste time:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/worst-celebrity-hair-haircut-hairstyles_n_1677424.html#slide=1231579

 

 

Have a nice evening folks, I'll be seeing you all tomorrow!

Evil Nurses and the Impending Zombie Apocalypse

    Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. I'm sure many of you know this already, but in case you don't, I am a high school student. This means I have to deal with things like homework, grades, and large amounts of teenage angst all crammed into one building. It's a dangerous environment, I assure you.
     Unfortunately, today I was/am sick. No one seems to believe me. Fevers are not the only symptom of illness, people! Anyway, despite my discomfort I went to school. Around lunchtime I decided I was going to blow this popsicle stand for several reasons, the most pressing of them being that I was feeling truly miserable. Head pounding, overwhelming fatigue and random waves of nauseousness kind of miserable. I payed a visit to the nurse. I told her I was not feeling well.
    "What's wrong?" she asked.
     "A headache, mostly," I said. "I've had it since yesterday. And I'm nauseous too. If it makes a difference my stepmom's been pretty sick recently."
      "Ah," she replied, with that sort of understanding look on her face that means you are about to go home. "It must be allergies."
     Then she moved on to her next patient.
      What? Double-take taken. She didn't even take my temperature. I could have some crazy zombie disease for all she knows! In fact, if I have a strange mutant virus that causes me to die and reanimate as a deranged, brain-craving weirdo that infects the entire human population, that is entirely her fault. She must hate humanity! Sociopath! She has no right to be working in a job with innocent, impressionable youth! We must fire her instantly before she attempts to derail the entire American way of life. At least that is what I would say to the principal...if I weren't dying of a zombie disease right now...

Maurice Sendak

“Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original Maurice Sendak drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it.”

—	Maurice Sendak

Word of the day: Plurble

   Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking with my first (and probably last) word of the day! The wonderful, magical, fantastical word is illustrated in the above illustration. Well, I think it's an illustration. It was supposed to be art but something went terribly, terribly wrong. Wow, that is really ugly.

    Anyway, today I am going to define my most successful made-up word: plurble. Plurble can be used in almost any circumstance, which is why it is the crowning glory of personal words that I created that no one else can understand. It has several usages, which I will now demonstrate so that you too may integrate plurble into your personal dictionary. 

1. An exclamation:

"I just invented the first time machine! The only year it can take you to is 1982!"

"Whoa....plurble!"

     2. A profanity:

"Oops I just set your house on fire...sorry!"

"Plurble you, moron!"

     3. The answer to a rhetorical question:

"So which did come first, the chicken or the egg?"

"Oh, I totally got this one. Plurble!"

     4. A replacement for a noun or verb anytime you want to annoy someone:

"Jimmy, you have to tell me where the secret portal is before the giant bunnies of doom come through it and destroy mankind!"

"It's...it's in....the....PLURBLE! Hahaha suckers!"

    I hope you appreciate the full range of awesomeness that this word can add to your vocabulary. Have a great day folks, comment and subscribe, and always remember: plurble. 

 

The Duck Face

     Hello world, this is Angry Tofu speaking. Today it is my solemn duty to inform you of the rules that should be abided by when one is attempting to the "Duck Face". In case you don't know what Duck Face is, this is it:

        It took me a long time to find a picture that wasn't straight-up terrifying. Not to say that this one is doing this woman any justice. Basically, this particular face has become extremely popular in photos. I have no idea why. It makes most people look like ducks, not the full-lipped, high-cheekboned beauties that they believe it will make them into. It just doesn't, trust me.
      Anyway, if for some reason the call of the duck face is completely unavoidable, here is the Angry Tofu list of tips and tricks you should keep in mind in order not to look exactly like this:

1. Avoid pushing out your lips too much. It ends up looking like those women who have gotten lip-plumping injections for the millionth time and their faces are all....blech. Instead, try pulling in the corners of your lips ever so slightly. This gives the illusion of a smaller, fuller mouth without being obnoxious about it.
2. Do not, I repeat do not squint your eyes. The best thing to do is the exact opposite--open your eyes wide in an adorable, doll-faced look. If you squint your eyes, the wrinkles created will combine with the wrinkles from pursing your lips to create one super wrinkle bomb. Don't let this happen to you. 
3. Tilt your head down slightly. This will emphasize your chin and jawline without making either protrude.
4. Look up at the camera. This sort of goes hand-in-hand with tilting your chin down. Just make sure that the camera lens is above your eye level. Looking up at the camera will emphasize the adorableness that you are trying to achieve.

      So, this is all I can do to prevent photos from 2012 from becoming like the ones from 1986...you know, the ones that people hide because in them they are wearing socks with sandals. Don't become one of them. Use the duck face wisely, grasshoppers.